Wonderfully Terrible: Cobra

Sylvester Stallone is the centerpiece of one of Hollywood's most famous "What If?" storylines. See in the early eighties Stallone was attached to a fish out of water action-packed detective tale called Beverly Hills Cop. However, when the studio got Stallone's script (he is famously involved in writing for most of his films), the movie he had in mind looked exceedingly expensive, and Stallone was replaced with Eddie Murphy and reworked as a comedy. Not one to completely abandon material, Stallone decided to take his ideas and make a movie of his own, the eighties action bonanza and cult classic Cobra.

Stallone stars as Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, a tough as nails cop and member of the police force's "zombie-squad." While many disapprove of his violent approach to law enforcement, Cobra is called into action to defend a woman from a cult-like army of killers and prevent them from plunging the city into chaos.

Like many movies of its era, Cobra was an unqualified box office success, despite bad reviews from critics. And yet, the film doesn't have the same standing as something like Predator, Die Hard, or even Stallone's own Rambo series. Why? Well let's look at the fun stuff and crap stuff and find out.

The Wonderful

Cobra's Gear & Car

Having never seen this movie before, it's clear that Stallone still has affection for this role because he carried over a bunch of the look, gear, and vehicle from Cobra. And admittedly, it works with Stallone's macho swagger. The toothpick and sunglasses works as well here as it did for Chow Yun-Fat in the same era, the pearl-handed pistol is a nice cowboy throwback, and the old time muscle car in jet black is fun as well. I imagine this was a popular costume after the movie came out.

A Physics Defying Car Case

In the middle of the film there's a massive car chase with Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen running away and taking out a bunch of armed goons in cars. And the stuff that happens in this scene is absurd. At one point Stallone opens fire on the front of a truck....which subsequently explodes and flips over backwards. Likewise, the Stallone driven car nearly flips....after ramping over garbage. It's so incredibly silly I couldn't help but enjoy it.

Plenty of Spray and Pray Gun Fighting

Like many movies of the day, there's plenty of our hero shooting from the hip and mowing down bad guys like nobody's business. There's a machine gun with seemingly bottomless ammo, our bad guys are all terrible shots, and every single pistol shot from the hero hits the mark. It's distilled eighties action into one movie.

The Terrible

The Odd Politics

Much like Dirty Harry, Cobra is about a cop willing to break the rules to keep people safe. But what's so weird about this is that none of Cobra's police work or his instances of using deadly force seem inappropriate. He only uses deadly force when the threat is life or death, and seems to keep everyone he can safe. So why is he a pariah? It seems like some or sort of "soft on crime" critique, but that may have been modern politics seeping into my viewing experience.

Undeniably Racist Moments

Unfortunate rule for many eighties movies. If there is someone of another race in a predominantly white movie, get ready to cringe when anyone of color arrives on screen. Especially if they are in a group. *Sigh* Just get to the Latino gang members and you'll know what I'm talking about.

A Completely Forgettable Script

I can't tell you the villain's name in the this movie. And I just watched it. That should really be all you need to know. At the time this movie was critique for relying heavy on action movie tropes and that's a hard critique to deny. The one-liners are there, but they're awful, Cobra himself isn't really a character so much as a tool, and the rest of the characters are so one-note or boring I couldn't be bothered to remember them.

Terrible Cuts

There's a lot of bad cuts in the middle of action scenes in Cobra. In the finale gunfight for instance, we'll see a gun fired by Cobra, see a guy go down, then see muzzle flash from Cobra, and another guy in a completely different location fall down dead. It means that even though the space is ideal for a protracted gun battle the geography, the number of opponents, and even the hero's actions are never that clear.

Verdict: Drinking Game Fun

Upon viewing it, it's easy to see why critics didn't like this movie and why it's not viewed as a classic. But if you're a fan of this era of movie making you could do worse.